I can not tell you how elated I was when I saw the trailer for The Machine. Bert Kreischer’s stand-up performance of the same name was one for the ages. I am not exaggerating when I say it is probably my favorite standup of all-time. I laughed until I cried. My stomach hurt. I lost my breath. My face was a gloriously wet, raw mess. In my childlike excitement, I didn’t once stop to think that this movie could be anything other than a hit.
It was a hit, alright. It punched me squarely in the yam-bag with its sub-mediocrity. When will I ever learn? That’s rhetorical. I am forever consigned to self-devastation by way of optimistic blindsight. And if I’m being honest, it’s not like I didn’t have any warning. I watched his latest Netflix standup and it was, you know, okay. Not expecting the equal of ‘the Machine’ but ever hopeful, am I.
Machines Doing Machine Things
Where do I begin? Well, the obvious starting point is with the plot that fans already know. Bert is living a comfortable life out on the left coast. He is, of course, struggling with the demons that commonly accompany such a life (i.e. fractured family relationships, consequences of drug and alcohol usage, regret, a general lostness requiring therapy). Pretty cliche’ stuff. The irony of his life is that he is really tired of being known as ‘the Machine’, which is the subtext for the entire movie.
In his typical over the top fashion, he puts on a massive pool party for his eldest daughter’s Sweet 16 party that is clearly more about himself than it is for her. Secretly invited to the ho-down is his estranged (of course) father, played by Mark Hamill. Clearly, the studio felt that the show needed a little additional star power. Side note: it might just be me, but other than being a jedi, is Hamill really that much of an impact actor? Food for thought.
Now to the necessary MacGuffin. As it turns out, Bert accidentally ran afoul of the Russian mob during the events of the 1980s version of himself…and they have now come to get what is theirs. What follows is one contrived, un-funny scene after another with very infrequent moments that elicit a weak, forced chuckle. Because shoot, man…we are supposed to be laughing, right? We feel like we owe it to the magnificence of the stand-up event and we want to laugh like that SO BAD.
The Three Stooges of the Apocalypse
I won’t go any further into what irked me about this movie. Rest assured there are plenty of reasons. If you end up seeing it someday, maybe you can find a spark of enjoyment discovering them, too. Hint: the one at the end is annoying to the point of keeping me up at night. Maybe make it into a drinking game. Just trying to be helpful. It’s what I do.
However, in keeping with my tradition of finding something to like about every movie I see, I will say that Bert (pronounced Byert by the cliche’d blonde Russian superwoman who hauls Bert and his father across continents) is the same bumbling, self-effacing modern era Stooge you would expect, full of slapstick. It would have been easy for this show to devolve into classic gutter humor but it at least resisted that temptation. I’m giving ‘the Machine’ a 1.5/5. I will watch whatever stand-up special he produces next because, apparently, hope never dies in me. But it helps to have a yam-bag of solid steel that can take the hit.
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down-trodden everydude annihilate the bad guys from WWII in awesomely graphic ways? That’s rhetorical. We love it infinity. It was spectacular. 
to portray a one-eyed dog (of course) but only partially succeeding. Bravo, dog-of-unknown-breed. We cheerily accept the minimum level of ‘awww’ for this picture, thanks to you. Well done.