Month: March 2024

Arthur the King was always going to take my money

The Average Dude is a well-known dog person. Not necessarily anti-cat but kinda. Just really, REALLY pro-puppa. Not sorry in any way for that.

So when I saw the trailer for Arthur the King there was zero doubt that I was going to review it. None. Saturday night, opening weekend was locked in for Mr & Mrs Average Dude. Dune 2 will have to wait its turn. Average Dude has waited long enough for Arthur the King. I casually wondered if I could bring our dog Henley to this show. I’d buy him a ticket.

Arthur the King is ‘based on the true story’ of Michael Light, an Adventure Racing athlete who is approaching the end of his prime still in search of a championship win. Mark Wahlberg stars as Michael, the captain of Team Broadrail, who have agreed to sponsor Micahael’s team…barely. Enough to enter the race and get to the Dominican Republic, but not enough to get there early for acclimation and training. Undaunted, the team accepts. Every member has their own reasons for joining the race, so literally everyone has skin in the game.

You’re just not hooked up right

I feel like I should mention from the outset that Adventure Racing isn’t your garden variety endurance race. This ain’t a Spartan Run. It’s more like a quest, daring the environment, the weather, the fates to do their worst, because each team will do theirs. This championship race was an astounding, torturous 435 mile run, trek, bike, hike, climb and kayak over some of the most dangerous and unforgiving terrain on the earth. The Average Dude is a fan of obstacle races and TBH, am planning to train for a 2nd full marathon this year (Vegas, baby). But putting yourself through something like this? Voluntarily? Nah. Not for me but go forth and conquer, ye Above Average Dudes and Dudies.

So the stage is set

Fast forward to about the halfway point in this painful yet exhilerating glory-by-masochism event comes this matted, world-worn, bedraggled dog of indeterminable origin and breed. He is alone, beat up and hungry. And yet, to the eyes of Michael, he still seems to carry himself with an aire of regality, as if his current state of affairs does not define him. This overcoming of circumstances parallels Michael’s own mindset and their bond is sealed over a few meatballs. The team christens him Arthur the King. Team Broadrail’s brief rest passes and they resume their brutal trek.

Not all heroes wear flea collars

Unknown to the team, they had gained a fifth member. Arthur the King follows Broadrail and, using his knowledge of the terrain, guides them away from danger and towards their next goal. How did Arthur know where they were going? Don’t know. But that’s what the movie portrays and it is at least alluded to in the actual accounts. And I love me some hero dogs so I’m going with it.

All the Hollywood-ization of actual events aside, Arthur the King does deliver the goods. The story is sometimes ham-handed and force-fed to an audience that sits expectantly with mouths agape, ready to savor the next bite of hero dog goodness. After reading about the actual events, it is clear that the 90 minute movie needed to ‘interpret’ things in a more cinematic way. And we are okay with that because we know that the basic facts are accurate. And because we know that, most of the embelishments and transparent heartstring tugs are forgiven.

So, with no apology given or needed, I’m giving Arthur the King a 3.5 out of 5 and recommend it for the whole family. It’s not Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey or Old Yeller. Those are the gold standard of dog movies and will probably never be touched. But is it Turner & Hooch? Getting closer. And there is definitely room in our hearts for another one of those.

And yup, I went straight home to hug my Average Doge.

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Cabrini on, my wayward son…

This weekend was a busy one in the Average Dude household. We slipped away to a b & b overnighter to see a classic band concert – Kansas. And even though the venue did not have a liquor license and we could not imbibe during the 2 hour show (boo) it was still totally worth it.

And true to form, wherever Mrs Average Dude and I go on our adventures grand or small, we make the most of it. Where the concert was indeed the marque event, it was by no means the only memory. We visited a young adult Irish bar where Mrs Average Dude tried to get me into ‘conflict’ (hilariously). We may have captured a poltergeist on film. Mrs Average Dude accidentally deadbolted the house and two couples could not come home. And we witnessed a crabby old dude in church on Sunday that is now living rent-free in my head.

Oh, and there may have been some larceny. Some, not a lot. It happens.

Cabrini is a real life mom boss

Even with all of that, we still made time to take in a movie for me to review. It came down to a choice between Cabrini and a monochromatic ursine mammal engaging in ancient Asian arts of war. The fourth. In the end, we chose Cabrini, the true story of the first cannonized American Saint. What she achieved, in the face of predjudices, violence and overwhelming poverty is…well, nothing short of a miracle. As any Catholic can tell you, you don’t get sainted without a miracle. It’s baked into the sainthood.

Cabrini began her story in 1850 in a tiny northern Italy province. Born two months premature, she was small and of weak constitution her entire life. Though frail in body, her will was strong and her heart was pure. Her Godly calling as a missionary and advocate of the orphaned grew into something that all of her male contemporaries of the era could not temper, let alone deny. Eventually, the Pope himself had no choice but to believe in the vision of this tiny force to be reckoned with. So, His Eminence yoked her strength, steering her towards serving a great need…in America.

In the Five-Points district of New York City, to be precise.

To add more context to Cabrini, it’s important to remember the era in which this was happeing. Immigrants in America – and NYC in particular – were ritually discriminated against. Verbal and physical abuse by every strata of whites was all too common.

While that behavior towards the black population is well known, it is much less acknowledged that every other non-American white demograph suffered from bigotry and hate. Irish. Native American. Hispanic. And Italian. And an Italian woman at that. The fact that she was a nun was only the slightest of shields. Unquestionably, the pilgrimage of Cabrini was epic. Or miraculous, if you like.

So, was Cabrini enjoyable?

The answer to that is…kinda? Yes, it was a feel-good movie. Something that Angel Studios has sort of made their stock-in-trade. But not all feel-good movies are the same. Sister Act gives us a much different ‘good feeling’ than Cabrini does.

I am glad to know that people like Cabrini have existed. But if I’m honest, it makes me sad that they don’t seem to exist today. Like dirt, they ain’t making any more saints. And that realization is a tragedy.

In the end, I did give Cabrini a 4 out of 5, but it’s more on a personal note that ties directly into the Mr/Mrs Average Dude adventure last weekend…

God Doesn’t Play at Dice

Have you ever listened to the lyrics of many Kansas songs? There is a distinct note of God to them. If you listen with that in mind, you can’t help but see it. Noted.

I didn’t know this until the very end of the movie, but Cabrini adopted the name Francis Xavier when taking her vows.

The Catholic church we visited while on our northaland adventure… St. Francis Xavier. Now, I don’t often read the Divine into the mundane, but I also believe the words of Albert Einstein…God doesn’t play at dice. Was it providence? Don’t know. But on that personal note, I boosted Cabrini up a notch to the honored 4+ zone. And I feel good about that.

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Drive-Away Dolls was not what I expected…in the worst way

I ask you…what is the purpose of a movie trailer? The simple answer: for the studios is to give you a snapshot of what the movie is about, presented in a way that builds excitement and anticipation for its release. I do love trailers. I do love the anticipation they create. But I’ll readily admit that studios very often use them to hide deficiencies in the finished work. The first Suicide Squad trailer is a great example of this.

Drive-Away Dolls takes the trailer smoke and mirrors tactic to new lows. Really new lows. Like, the lowest. I was expecting a movie with elements of Thelma and Louise, Raising Arizona and a smattering of Pulp Fiction. That could have been a really cool movie, so I thought.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

You already know that I enjoy trailers and avoid reviews before I actually see a movie so as not to taint my opinion. It makes the Average Dude review as honest as possible. Having seen the trailer, I was aware that there were LGBetc elements to Drive-Away Dolls. It was briefly mentioned.

But this was an Ethan Coen film. His film cred includes some all-time classics. So I was ready to see what Coen had created this time around. And this movie definitely bears the Coen mark. Long periods of exposition rattled off as if reading from a well-rehearsed script. Quirky characters, over-the-top behavior. But those elements were merely a drive-by of historical Coen landmarks. By and large, the whimisical nature of Coen films was gone and replaced by…

There’s no way to sugar-coat this…it was pron*

There. I said it (almost). From the opening moments of this movie, it was pron. How pronish waa it? I’d say it falls somewhere between British pron and full-blown American-style pron. There was just barely enough story to get from one girl-on-girl sex scene to the next. And while every single character’s behavior was over-the-top and hyper-verbal in the Coen style, I only found one character that I actually considered classic Coen quirky (thank you, Curly). And even that was just a small bit part. I guess Ethan didn’t want to detract from the chick stuff.

And I kind of get it. Awhile back there was a very openly gay-men oriented movie called ‘Bros’. It absolutely crashed and burned at the box office. Was it bad? No idea because I had no desire to see it. It wasn’t marketed for me. And apparently, Hollyweird learned a lesson with that marketing disaster because they very effectively hid the true nature of Drive-Away Dolls from We the Audience, hoping to hook an unsuspecting Average Dude into dropping his hard-earned coin on this crap. Well played, Hollyweird.

Some things you just can’t unsee

I really don’t want to review this movie too deeply because, to be honest, I want to scrub my brain of it as soon as possible. Before my reviewing days I probably would have walked out of Drive-Away Dolls before the end of the first reel. It really was that bad.

And it would be all too easy to just say ‘It was smut’ and leave it there. But it wasn’t just the depravity. The story and dialog were so far below what we have come to love and expect from a Coen movie. It was all just so clearly all about the girl on girl scenes that I expected a pizza delivery girl or girl-plumber to show up at any moment.

It was just that basic.

And since I’ve been going on about trailers, I might mention that all but one of the trailers sent out with Drive-Away Dolls (yes, the studios decide what trailers go with which movie) were uninteresting at best, disturbing at worst. Tragic celebrity death. Racially divisive wizardry. And the new Jordan Peele. That’s the good one, which is big for me. Peele’s movie ‘Us’ was my least favorite move of all time…until Drive-Away Dolls, that is. Average Dudes and Dudies, we have a new champion.

So, with my most humble, sincere apolgies to Mrs Average Dude for taking her to a secret adult movie in disguise where the most entertainment we could extract was from the elderly couple in the back row, I give Drive-Away Dolls a 1 out of 5, the lowest score I’ve given to date. It’s worse than bad, it’s bad AND depraved. Ethan Coen, I don’t know why you included a Matt Damon and Miley Cyrus psychodelic sex romp. In truth, I just don’t care. Everyone associated with this irredemable dreck loses.

As is my way, I try to find something good in every movie I see. The good from this train-wreck dumpster fire is that I will surely find out how many of my friends read my reviews. Every one who know me will have a laugh imagining me taking my lovely Mrs Average Dude to a smut-show.

I take the heat. For you.

*Since the social media algorythms dislike the simplest term for exclusively adult content, we have to use this workaround. We work with the tools we have.

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Ordinary Angels…I’m not crying…you’re crying.

The times that it could be said that the Average Dude is at a loss for words are few and far between. That feels like an understatement. Just ask Mrs Average Dude. Or Average Dude Bestie. Or the Average Doge, for that matter.

The times that I am without words about a movie I’ve just watched are non-existent. Or they were, until this very moment.

That sounds like I’m about to tell you that Ordinary Angels was the greatest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m not. I liked it very much, though. It evoked emotions in me that were real and so unexpectedly raw that I am struggling to find the right tone, the right feel, for this review.

The right heart, if you will.

And there is so much to say about it that I guess I’m having trouble finding a place to start. But because I love doing this so much, try I shall. If it comes across as ham-handed, just know I’m giving it my best shot.

Ordinary Angels is the based on the true story of Ed Schmitt, played by rising superstar Alan Ritchson (Reacher, if you’ve been off-world for the past two years). Schmitt, an every-man type guy who works roofing and construction for a living, tragically loses his wife to illness. Schmitt’s grief is compounded by massive medical debt and the despair of knowing he has to raise his two young daughters alone. Add to his long list of challenges, Ed’s youngest daughter Ashley is born with a liver disease (IRL, both daughters have the disease). It is Job-like existence that can I only imagine but don’t like to. And that’s one of the reasons this is so hard to write about.

Ordinary angels does the opposite

For most of us, movies are about escaping for a couple of hours, for stepping outside of ourselves and our all-too often stressful lives. Ordinary Angels absolutely will not allow that. Everything that happens to Ed Schmitt could have happened to every one of us. That’s a sobering thought that I can’t escape. It forces us to look inside ourselves and ask ‘how would I handle all of this? How would I bear up?’ Impossible to know but also really hard to not think about.

Heavy thought #2

Ed Schmitt fortunately had the help of a very loving, very involved mother (Nancy Travis) who doesn’t get top billing but is also an Ordinary Angel. Having someone like that in your corner is so much more than many people have. Just one of the blessings the Schmitts had, and it gets overlooked by most folks. But so critical to the family’s survival. And there is the second heavy thought. We get so struck by all the bad that the Schmitts have to endure that we don’t recognize that there were blessings, too.

And then there is Sharon Stephens, played brilliantly by Hilary Swank. Sharon is a local salon owner and big time pary girl. Sharon is bold, flashy and overly extroverted, bar-hopping like an 21 year old college sophmore. This is how she battles her own inner demons until one day, a close friend and co-worker calls her on the carpet. Yet another unsung Ordinary Angel.

Heavy thought #3

Coming to the realization that she has a problem, Sharon hyper-focuses on saving the Schmitt family. The challenges she takes on and triumphs over in pursuit of that noble cause are far, far from ordinary. Sharon is an unstoppable force for good. And again, it makes us wonder if we could muster the kind of grit that Sharon musters in the service of total strangers and in the face of her own battles.

So why do I feel so uncomfortable?

There are so many levels of emotion in play watching Ordinary Angels. Not the least of which were all the true-life events that go into the climactic final scenes. Even knowing the outcome beforehand did not keep me from wiping away tears pretty much for the last 30 minutes. Enough said ’bout that. Every major player in Ordinary Angels is broken in some way. If we’re honest with ourselves, we all are, too. Even in her brokenness, Sharon had the wisdom to know that focusing her energy on saving the Schmitts was also saving herself. That is the ultimate win-win. And my overcomer’s heart couldn’t help but be moved. We should all be so wise.

So, it is with a great deal of inner struggle that I am giving Ordinary Angels another 4+ out of 5. I can’t remember the last February that has been so fruitful. And even though this movie had a happy ending, I am so emotionally drained that I need to go watch an episode or two of Netfix’s One Piece, just to clear my emotional palate.

Heck, the only movie I can remember hitting me in the feels more than Ordinary Angels was Homeward Bound: Incredible Journey (oh man, I’m getting misty…).

And BTW, the real life stars of Ordinary Angels

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