Month: August 2024

It Ends With Us is a Hallmark movie if made by David Lynch

I know what you’re thinking…why is the Average Dude (emphasis on the DUDE) going to see a very non-dude flick like It Ends With Us? Is there a personal reason that our Dude chose to review this movie? Well, yes and no. Mrs. Average Dude had no real desire to see the big release this week – Alien: Romulus. And she has been out of town on business lo this last week. She might have preferred to stay home and put her feet up instead of watch me watch a movie and shove corn into my facehole.

So, because she’s my queen and I missed her, I took her to see the movie she wanted to see. There’s your personal reason.

I’d rather re-watch the LOTR trilogy

And you’d be correct in noting that It Ends With Us is not a movie I would typically watch, either in a theater or even for free sitting in my mancave. There are roughly twenty movies on my ‘need to watch’ list that I just don’t have time to get to. And if I ever got through all of those and the ‘B’ list shows I missed, there’s still the annual watch list.

All of those I would watch before It Ends With Us. This is not a knock on Blake Lively or Hallmark movies or movies that tell sensitive stories. I’m just looking for something transportive to my escapism. I’m not looking to be transported into someone else’s misery, a misery that could be happening next door.

Now, if my neighbor were Blake Lively and she was judo chopping aliens or evil spies, I’m down for that. Just like every average dude, I think.

Having said all that, I didn’t hate It Ends With Us. That’s about the best I can say. It was leaps and bounds more watchable than Borderlands, even though it was roughly the same level of unbelievable. And, as always, I’m bringing the receipts.

Different fantasies for different folks, I guess

It Ends With Us is the Lifetime channel-esque story of Lily Blossum Bloom, a young woman leaving her upscale suburban home to make her way in the big city of Boston. She is branching out, her dreams are germinating. Armed with determination, a plucky attitude and confidence in her amazing floral designs, Lily begins her new life and escapes the hidden tragedies of her past.

Four minutes longer than her husband’s movie next door

For the next 2 hrs and 11 minutes, the story of Lily Bloom unfolds before us. Like an onion, the layers of an idylic life are slowly peeled away to reveal the raw, tortured heart that carries a secret burden. And just like an onion, It Ends WIth Us might make more tender souls weep. Not the Average Dude, of course.

It’s a choice

And its not that I’m heartless. Not at all. Hell, I can’t even think about Marley and Me or Homeward Bound without a touch of the misties. I’m not a robot. It’s just that I look at It Ends With Us and I see a story that has so very little to do with reality. Its a fantasy life made for those of us that prefer other escapes than the dreams of capes, aliens or robots.

No traffic, either

Lily Bloom seems to live in a corner of Boston that has no garbage, poverty or homeless. And no street crime. No gangs. No thugs. Just like a Hallmark movie. A nice fantasy. Not reality. I can’t tell you the last time I saw a stylishly dressed young lady walking down the street alone carrying a paper bag of groceries with a loaf of french bread sticking out the top. Mostly, it’s five plastic bags looped on one hand, the weight dragging their shoulder nearly to the ground. That’s reality.

Well…ALMOST none…

I find myself wondering if those who enjoyed It Ends With Us daydream about living in that world…as if it really existed. I can tell you that I spend no time wondering what my life would be like if I could lift Mjolnir.*

But that’s fine. To each their own. I can appreciate It Ends With Us for delivering to it’s target audience pretty much what they came for. Was it uplifting? Not particularly. Was it hopeful? I suppose. Was it an epic battle of good vs evil? No. Was it an epic battle for survival? A little. In the end, the Average Dude can recognize it for what it is…a big screen Hallmark movie if made by David Lynch. And if that’s your thing, you will like it. So for you, I’m giving It Ends With Us a 3.5 out of 5. If it’s not your thing, I’m giving it a 2. Best I can do.

*I do ponder occassionally, if I would be worthy.

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Borderlands is borderline

Sigh…

I know this is August, where bad movies go to find hope. Or die. Likewise with February. Those are the two movie Dead Zones. Notable exceptions to that truism are Guardians of the Galaxy (August release) and Deadpool (February surprise). But for every gem, there are dozens of ‘The Meg’. It’s a devilish thing that Hollywood has done. We remember those shining exceptions and we hope beyond reason to find another. And given the insane amount of talent in Borderlands, there was certainly reason for that hope.

Alas…

Everyone knows not to speak to me of new releases, good or bad, until after I’ve seen them. My opining must ever be pristine. Even so, I heard ill whispers about Borderlands. I rejected them. Blanchet. Hart. Curtis. Black. Pretty solid names. Add relative newcomer Ariana Greenblatt – who was the high point to this sloppy mess of a movie. It wasn’t enough.

You actually have to have some semblance of a story. And though I’ve never seen any other movie that Eli Roth directed (Hostel, Thanksgiving), I can only imagine that he took the subject matter – a video game – and literally added the most bare-bones, no frills, economy class story his cat could poop out. And just like that catpoop, Borderland stinks.

BOREderland…

I think that Borderlands is Roth’s first attempt at a sci-fi action pic. And it shows. Here’s a little free advice to Roth and any up and coming sci-fi director. We’ve seen all the special effects.All of them. There’s nothing new under the sun. So, making a movie that is long on CGI and woefully short on actual story is not going to satisfy anyone. Borderlands plays like the story was written by a 6th grader. And not an honor roll 6th grader, either. I actually nodded off for a few minutes. Not kidding.

Every character was as one dimensional as it’s videogame namesake. Greenblatt did a decent job of making Tiny Tina her own. Blanchet was the consumate pro and did all she could with a script as basic as this. Kevin Hart might as well have been replaced with Scoutmaster Kevin. Everything you love about KH was missing here. And Jaimie Lee Curtis’ part…it just made me sad.

Claptrap…

Jack Black’s contribution to Borderlands was pretty much what you expect from him. Goofy and high octane. Claptrap by name, claptrap by nature. His heavily adlib dialog might have been one of the best parts of the script. That’s not a compliment.

Hindsight…

I wish that i had possessed the foresight to look at the director and his IMDB. Nothing even remotely inspiring there. I remember seeing the trailers for Thanksgiving and saying to Mrs Average Dude ‘They’ve really run out of slasher flick ideas, haven’t they? Is this what we’ve come to?’
And they’re making a Thanksgiving 2. <stunned silence>

ya basic…

It looked to me that Eli Roth was hoping to build a kind of Guardians of the Galaxy vibe for Borderlands. Clearly, Roth is no James Gunn. Even with a stellar cast, this movie can’t hold a harbulary battery to our favorite dysfunctional band of misfits.

The word basic comes most redily to mind when sumarizing Borderlands. Is it worthless? No. It has moments. Few of them and most of them from Greenblatt, but still. And caveat: I’ve never played the game. That should not be a pre-req for watching a movie about a video game. I’ve also never played FALLOUT, and we all know how I felt about that series. I’m giving Borderlands a basic score of 1.8 out of 5. Please don’t make a Borderlands 2.

Rake-slap…

It is my lot in life, I suppose, to be simultaneously blessed and cursed with the pie-eyed optimism that enables me to walk face-first into a movie like Borderlands, get a rake-slap to that same face, and then forget about the broken nose and do it again. And again. et al. My foolishness is your gain. I’m always willing to take the rake-slap for you. If it ever gets to be too much, I’ll wind up becoming one of those History Channel olden dudes. I’m not that dude yet, so…rake-slap. May I never be.

It’s a TRAP

M Night Shyamalan movies are hit or miss, feast or famine. Can we all agree on that? For every 6th Sense or Signs there’s an Old or Lady In the Water. The Average Dude has long ago stopped getting excited for any MNS movie.

And we all know he likes to throw a twist into the mix. We’re all looking for it, which makes it really tough to deliver a good one. M Night began in the era before streaming. And maybe more than any other writer/director, streaming has done him no favors. A little voice inside my brainbone said to wait for it to come out on Prime or Hulu rather than shelling out dough to see it in the theater.

I should have listened to my inner voice

Father and daughter bonding for a new generation

TRAP, the latest offering by M Night Shyamalan is about a serial killer (Josh Hartinett) dubbed ‘the Butcher’. How original. The Butcher is known for dismembering his victims, reportedly in the most grissly ways. I say reportedly, because MNS spends very little time fleshing out that aspect of the story. Thankfully.

What TRAP spends quite a bit of time on is showing a father attempting to grow his relationship with his tweenage daughter by taking her to the biggest concert event ever! Lady Raven (played by M Night’s daughter, Saleka Shyamalan) is a stereotypical pop mega-star, complete with all the fake stage presence, glitzy showmanship and super-long eyelashes that remind me I need to sweep out the back of my SUV. But more on her later.

Unbelieveable Plot Contrivances #1-3

As the trailer reveals, TRAP pits the hero (???) against the entirity of the law. Somehow, they know he will be at this concert and they are bringing the house.

How do they know this about the villain/hero? The explanation is weak and unimaginative. And ultimately debunked. Why did they choose to TRAP him at a concert, where scores of innocent people – mostly children – can and probably would be harmed physically or emotionally? How would even the entire assembled might of Big City’s Finest hope to capture the bad guy out of a crowd of tens of thousands? Is the surveilance state THAT on point? Not a comforting thought. All that in just in the first 10 minutes.

Hollywood – 1 Average Dude – 0

So you see what I mean here. MNS wants us to overlook a whole lot of red flags and take this movie on a date. And like the optimist I am, I oblige. Because there didn’t seem to be any better options this week, and I think Hollywood planned it that way. Well-played, Hollywood.

I won’ t go on to enumerate all the rest of the crazy sh!t that we are expected to swallow in this movie. I can think of Unbelieveable Plot Contrivances #4-7 without even straining my tired brainbone. Doing that would create spoilers, and up to now, I’ve only exposed the ones that are shown in the trailers. I can tell you that they come at you from nearly every character, relentlessly. Literally nothing in this movie parallels actually life.

And the big M Night Shyamalan twist?

Don’t get me started. I beg of you. I bounce back and forth between incredulity and anger inducing disappointment. With more than a touch of insult.

They weren’t given much to work with

If I try to walk a mile in the character’s shoes, I’m afraid I only got about a football field along before I tire. Part of becoming emotionally connected to a character is relating to them. I shudder to think that there might be a segment of society that can relate to Josh Hartnett’s Butcher. And in fairness to Josh, I don’t think he really could, either. His character was closer to Joe from YOU than Hannibal from Silence of the Lambs. That’s not a good sign when it comes from the titular star of your movie.

But back to Lady Raven

So, with all the glaring holes (you ain’t seen nothin’ yet) in TRAP, the only sane conclusion I can come to is that the movie was intended to showcase M Night Shyamalan’s daughter, Saleka. Okay, I get it. What father doesn’t want to see his child succeed? Or give them a leg up? Trap is Saleka Shyamalan’s acting debut but has several soundtrack credits (all in dad’s movies). From the scenes of Lady Raven on stage, it didn’t feel like the singing or choreography was anything special at all. Certainly sub-Taylor Swift level entertainment. So coming in second to Josh Hartnett always meant she was destined to lose. Cal Naughton Jr. did it better.

So kudos to M Night for trying to help his daughter, and phooey on M Night for shlepping out this stain of a movie to do it. Poop to you, sir. I say again, poop.

As is my tradition

Like I always say, I try to find something good in every movie I see. And for TRAP, I can say this: with all the ham-fisted plot contrivances and milquetoast performances, the saving grace (I’m now being generous) was that with each attempt to find a way out, we watched with mild anticipation to see how the Butcher would slip free. It inspired a kind of hope. Not hope that the Butcher would escape justice. More like a hope that we didn’t spend our hard earned money on pooptrash. And, unfortunately, we did.

Oh. I just thought of Unbelieveable Plot Contrivances 8 & 9. They just. Won’t. Stop.

And please…help me out here. It has literally been a quarter century, and nobody is sure how to pronounce m Night’s last name. Somebody set me straight. It’s like trying to sound out Brett Favre’s name. Ugh.

Deadpool and Wolverine – LFG

It is not overstating it in the slightest to say that Deadpool and Wolverine is the movie we’ve all been waiting for. The last movie I can remember that generated this much anticipation is probably Avengers: Endgame. As I write this, Deadpool and Wolverine has been shattering box office records willy-nilly and is the 6th highest domestic opening of all time. Of. All. Time. That is a big deal.

But Average Dude, did it live up to the hype?

The short answer to that is ‘Yes, it did’. But it’s more complex than that. Deadpool and Wolverine is a movie by the people, for the people. Translation, you needed to be along for the WHOLE RIDE to fully love this movie. And I mean all of it.

There are so many bits and pieces that will fly past most watchers. Heck, I’m sure I haven’t caught all of them. Example: in the scene where Deadpool and Wolverine turn and face REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, there is a storefront that says Liefield’s Just Feet. I happen to know that the artist who created Deadpool is Rob Liefield and he is infamously known for not drawing feet very well. I have that comic, btw. I’m a super-nerd. I’m okay with that.

Okay, but can I take my mom to see this movie?

Uh, well, if she’s gangsta enough, I guess. Yes, it’s absolutely foul-mouthed from start to end credits and beyond (you’ll see in the post credit scene). If mom is good with that, sure! But truly, the joy of Deadpool and Wolverine is having been along for the whole Marvel ride. And when you add to that, the next level bromance between Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman, the whole experience is pure gusto joy.

Nothing like being in on the joke

Part of the charm of the Deadpool character is that we’re all in on the gag. Fourth wall breaks are nearly impossible to handle well. Reynolds does it effortlessly, as if we’re all best buds sharing a personal laugh. The imminently loveable Reynolds welcomes us all into the inner circle and no one is immune to that draw. We are onboard without hesitation.

A movie filled with IYKYK

We get it. But is the story any good? Ah…well…kinda the same answer as before. This story has multiple villains. If you’ve watched the Loki series, you know all about the TVA. I won’t go into them because it would take forever and I have a life. Villain 1 is pretty weak, as McGuffin as it gets.

The SECOND villain (the bald chick from the trailers) is someone only followers of the X-Men comics might know. This movie ever so briefly explains who she is. It was, in fact, SO brief that Mrs Average Dude didn’t catch it, and she has been with me every step of the MCU journey. But since she lacks the foreknowledge I possess from a youth spent in the pages of the X-Men, the character just blew right past her. Likewise for another character that pops up. I can’t tell you who it is because I’m not a tool. Let’s just say that Mrs Average Dude recognized them as someone ‘Magical’.

So, for the less-than-superfans, there’s a level of aweome in Deadpool and Wolverine that will just be missed, and that’s a shame. But even missing out on so, SO much, the average not-lifelong comic nerds will still love this movie, warts and all. Yes, the basic story is weak, just strong enough to move our heroes from one side-splitting scene to the next. We barely have time to register that because each scene comes at you hard and fast and hilarious, like a loud fart in church. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

To sum it all up, Deadpool and Wolverine is HIGH entertainment for everyone, and stratospheric fun for those of us in the know. I’m giving it 4.8 out of 5 and will probably go see it in theater a second time. In fact, mark it down for this Tuesday. The lawn can wait. I’m going.

But I’m not taking my mom. She’s not nearly gangsta enough for this sh!t.

BONUS

This is marketing genius. We’re not worthy.