Indiana Jones crushes it, and not in a good way…

One does not have to dig very hard at all to find a review of the new Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny movie. And to be brutally honest, I haven’t found a single one that gives it a thumbs up (with the exception of Rotten Tomatoes, and I long ago realized that they had become a shill-site for the movie-makers and could not be trusted). Setting aside the theories and rumors from inside the studio, the simple facts foretold a dark future.

Just the facts, sir

Fact 1: The fifth Indiana Jones film first got greenlit in 2008, with an original release date of 2019 but experienced a ton of delays due to rejected scripts, directoral changes and the ‘rona.

Fact 2: Spielberg was supposed to direct but bailed in 2020. There were also multiple writers hired, quiting, rehired (I’ve lost track, tbh). Reports of how many rewrites there have been vary.

Fact 3: The budget for this movie ballooned to nearly $300 million due to delays, rewrites, reshoots etc.

Fact 4: Pre-release test screenings reviews were not complimentary.

Fact 5: Harrison Ford is 80 years old. It is totally fair to speculate on the quality of acting – let alone being an action movie star – that he is capable of turning in.

Fact 6: Early reviewers (other than paid shills like Rotten Tomatoes) have absolutely crushed this movie as a Phoebe Waller-Bridge movie rather than an Indiana Jones movie. They are saying that her character constantly demeans, upstages, controls and, at times, physically abuses Indiana Jones (the term ‘elder abuse’ has been bandied about).

Those are straight-up facts that are not up for interpretation. Opinion: I thought his portrayal of Han Solo in Force Awakens was not up to snuff. He definitely seemed old and slow (physically and mentally) and it made me really sad.

So, the facts themselves are ill omens, no doubt. The rumors are even dimmer.

If the rumors are to be believed…

Rumor 1: There is an internal power struggle at the House of Mouse and Kathleen Kennedy wanted to ‘rewrite’ the Indiana Jones legend to replace Indy with a female version, both in the past and going forward. The implications of that are staggering in their shite-ness.

Rumor 2: Kathleen Kennedy was ego-driven, wanting to replace Indiana Jones with an avatar for herself. Insiders are heavily pushing that rumor, citing multiple KK projects that seem to portray a very KK-like female heroine.

Rumor 3: Indy was originally supposed to be killed off but the backlash was so severe that they rewrote it. Kennedy fought back and the result is a hodgepodge of different stories.

There are other rumors but dropping them here would be overkill. Enough is enough. We get the point. Where there is smoke, and all that. So we expect it to be a pile o’shite. I am not above putting myself in harm’s way for you guys. Heck I walked into Fast X fully expecting to struggle through two hours of cringe (and am man enought to admit when I’m wrong). But I will not be going to see Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, and I’ll tell you why…

My youngest daughter is amazing. Actually, all my kids are amazing, but my youngest is amazing AND fearless. I gave her the nickname of Indy when she was 8 years old. For more reasons that I can tell you, it is the most perfect nickname in the history of nicknames. She’s the only one who wants to jump out of a plane with me. Truth.

My Indy is in college now and the hours allotted to me are few and cherished. So, when she texted me and said ‘ We need to go see the new Indiana Jones movie!’ I was elated. But then, it occurred to me, if this movie is the steaming shite-show I expect it to be, there’s no way – NO WAY – I am going to tarnish my daughter’s nick by showing her an Indy that has become an old, weak, alkie-bum that now takes abuse instead of dishing it out. Never in this life.

I will at some point (probably soon) watch this tragedy on one of the streaming services when it costs me nothing but a couple of hours. I may drop a review at that time confirming or denying the rumors and expectations. And this weekend, my daughter and her boyfriend are coming over for pizza, popcorn and a double feature: Temple of Doom and Last Crusade. She hasn’t seen them and they are totally worthy of her name. It’s how we will honor one of the great, iconic heroes of any age of cinema. And it will remind her of how amazing I think she is. Geronimo!

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