ADMR – The Meg 2: The Trench is super shallow – 1/2 out of 5

The Meg 2: The Trench ain’t deep

Rodman Philbrick is an American author whom I had never heard of until I Googled quotes about bad things. He once wrote “I don’t suppose anybody really knows how bad a thing can be until it actually happens.”. A generic truth that could have been written specifically about The Meg 2: The Trench. Me sitting through this movie actually happened and I didn’t really know how bad it could be. But oh, how I know it now.

Full disclosure, I suspected badness from the git-go. I saw Meg the first back in 2018. It was an August movie, which was strike one. Everyone knows that movies released in August and February are almost exclusively poop-trash (with the notable exceptions of Guardians of the Galaxy – August 2014, and Deadpool – February 2016). Those months are the movie ‘dead zone’. The Meg was as ‘meh’ as ‘meh can get, a total throwaway show. I literally only remembered that Jason Statham and a big shark were in it. But, because I love you all THIS MUCH, I took a bullet for you with The Meg 2: The Trench. Greater love hath no man…

Because of legal representation…

The Meg 2: The Trench again starred Jason Statham and Cliff Curtis (and a few others that I’ve been informed by their lawyers I must keep out of any reference to this movie). Once again, they are called to ‘the trench’, a super deep pit with a layer of super-cold water that keeps the super shark from menacing the oceans, lakes, streams and public swimming pools of earth. That’s science. This time around, the intrepid gang has somehow captured a female meg and is keeping it in a lagoon like Shamu. For study, of course. And apparently training. And this is the point where I knew things were going to go terribly, terribly wrong for me.

The Meg 2; The Trench starts out as a fairly benign, formulaic monster movie in the vein of Rampage, Kong and the like. Well-meaning scientists want to study this wonder of nature because climate. Nefarious forces embedded in the group of good-guys scheme to subvert the science for financial gains. Deckard Shaw/Handsome Rob/Lee Christmas/Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham always plays the same guy, which I’m totally good with) just happens to be visiting his Meg the First pals when the evil cabal plans come to fruition. Hi-tech adventure ensues (which was a total waste of Statham’s kick-@$$ action style, which I am NOT good with) and the evil cabal is thwarted. The End.

Except it wasn’t. To the detriment of everyone involved.

Had The Meg 2: The Trench ended there, it would have been exactly what I expected from a B movie second pass released in August. But for reasons unimaginable, the movie devolved into Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I’m guessing here…I never saw that Sci Fi channel masterwork even though it starred Debbie Gibson (Shake Your Love) and Lorenzo Lamas (star of I have no frickin’ idea).

To further up the ante, we have a school of super sharks threatening a nearby vacation paradise. Now, I know it seems illogical to point out that being ON LAND would be kryptonite to the salt water assassins (there are some other trench-dwellers that have legs and can breathe oxygen because science). But we watchers had long abandoned anything like logic. Or coherent story-telling expectations. Or self-esteem.

I could truly go on and on with examples that seem to suggest that this movie was actually written by a 5th grade class’ suggestions pulled from a hat. I think you all get the point. The overuse of conveniently available MacGuffins is mind-boggling. Worse, these MacGuffins were also created by 5th graders who got D’s in science. If I hadn’t already checked out by the third reel…

RIP Handsome Rob…

I love me some Jason Statham. Even though he is the same guy in all of his movies, I still take notice when I see his name on the marque. I loved Hobbs and Shaw. Fight me. So, seeing Statham jetison every ounce of work integrity he had by signing on for this chum bucket movie just hurts the heart. I don’t know how or if he can bounce back from this. Maybe if he saves the life of Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell.

Sometimes bad is good. But not today

I watched the movie Machete way back in 2010 (Sept 3, which is still in the Dead Zone). That was a rare, rare bad movie that was so bad it was good. It’s a highly subjective category but I feel safe in proclaiming Machete as such if viewed under the right circumstances. It almost feels like that’s what The Meg 2: The Trench was going for. Sadly, that was never going to work.

If I am pressed to find something that I liked about this movie experience, I’m going to have to cheat just a little. I saw this on Cheapskate Tuesdays at the 10 AM showing. I was one of two moviegoers in the building that early and the only one in my theater. It was nice. The smell of old and new popcorn. The squeak of my arm on cool theater seats. The whisper of my sneakers on the carpet. The muzak that sounded overloud in the empty lobby. All of these things were memories of the best jobs in my youth. So awesome.

I am giving The Meg 2: The Trench a .5 out of 5 (if there had been even one gratuitious boob in it, the number would be 0). At least the little yorkie in reel 3 survived and that’s worth a .5. I implore you…if you like Jason Statham movies at all, avoid this at all costs. Together, we might be able to save a career.

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