The Marvels is not so much
Mr and Mrs Average Dude are eager consumers of the MCU. We’ve seen everything so far (except for the animated stuff, EXCEPT except for the Spidey cartoons that the next gen Average Dudes clamor for). So, we were going to see this regardless of the absolute barrage of negative chatter on social media…poor test screenings, delays, reshoots, budget bloat, unpopular lead actress (am I allowed to assign a gender to that job catagory anymore? It’s so confusing…). Primetime showing, opening day. I can personally attest that our theater was nowhere near full. We sat in the primo spot in our theater and we had plenty of seat buffer. So there’s that.
The Monday morning reports are already calling time of death on this movie, reporting it to be the biggest FAIL for an opening weekend Marvel movie EVER. Bold take. And pre-release reports were saying that this movie needed to bring in around a cool billion bucks to be considered a success. Uh-oh..
Am I just getting old or what’s the deal?
Per my process, I start a mental walkthrough of the movie. And TBH, I can’t even recall what the opening scene of The Marvels looked like. So, I scan my memory for the first thing I actually can recall, hoping to jar my Average Dude brainbone. What pops up is the spacewalk scene where a stunningly underwhelming Nick Fury is chatting with both Captain Marvel and Monica ‘Lieutenant Trouble’ Rambeau (a weak and contrived nickname from the first Captain Marvel movie) who are checking out some weird energy readings from their trans-spacial hither-thither hexagons. And, apparently, they (the Marvels) both have unaddressed beef with one another. Can’t you just feel the awkward tension?
JK…we seriously do not care.
I think at some point around there we are introduced to the villain of The Marvels. Lucky for me I have a Google machine to remind me that her name is Dar-Benn (who was a dude in the source material but is now a woman who looks very khaleesi-like but whatevs…)
The only truly memorable thing about her is that she is the off-screen cardiac affiliate of Loki (Tom Hiddleston, to you non-nerds). Point is, she’s an ultimately forgetable character. And because nothing in this movie is not contrived, she discovers the mate to the power-bangle possessed by one Kamala Khan – the Ms Marvel of Disney + fame. Or infamy, to be more precise. How convenient.
I’m not ready for that
Adding to the countless contrivances in The Marvels, Captain Marvel, Lieutenant Marvel and Private Marvel get inexplicably entangled because of something to do with the hither-thither hexes and will swap physical positions with one another when they use their powers. Sometimes. Not every time but apparently when it’s convenient to the plot. Why just the three heroes and not Dar-Loki? No clue. Probably because that would have robbed the writers of the ‘hilarity’ of the body swapping. Sigh…whatevs. I wish I could give you a final count of just how many contrivances, coincidences and plotholes big enough to fly a starship through. That would require the Average Dude to watch The Marvels again. And to quote my favorite Captain…
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…
Is there anything enjoyable in this flurkin movie? Surprisingly, there is. And it comes from the place where I absolutely least expected. Kamala Khan (KHAAAAN!!!), Ms Marvel’s character actually brought some childlike wonder to a story and script that was bone-dry. In her own Disney+ series she was tedious and annoying. Not here. In fact, we should recognize her entire family for injecting life into this movie. Placed next to the plain oatmeal performances of both of the elder Marvels, they were like a cool breeze on a hot Arizona summers day.
So, it’s a musical now?
There are lots and lots of sub plots shoehorned into this movie for reasons we can only guess at. A flurkin army, accidental genocide, broken promises, preparing for financial retirement…and a musical dance scene that feels very Bollywood.
Very little of them made sense and none of them were really explained. Like seeing a baby carseat on the side of the road, you wonder how it got there. In the end, you realize you don’t have all the informtion you need and spending time wondering about it is just too horrible. So, I am giving The Marvels a 2.5/5 solely on the Khan family performances. Oh, and one of the two post-credit scenes was really intriguing. All I’m saying about that.
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