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ADMR – Borderlands is a borderline FAIL 1.8/5

Borderlands
Borderlands is borderline
Sigh…

I know this is August, where bad movies go to find hope. Or die. Likewise with February. Those are the two movie Dead Zones. Notable exceptions to that truism are Guardians of the Galaxy (August release) and Deadpool (February surprise). But for every gem, there are dozens of ‘The Meg’. It’s a devilish thing that Hollywood has done. We remember those shining exceptions and we hope beyond reason to find another. And given the insane amount of talent in Borderlands, there was certainly reason for that hope.

Alas…

Everyone knows not to speak to me of new releases, good or bad, until after I’ve seen them. My opining must ever be pristine. Even so, I heard ill whispers about Borderlands. I rejected them. Blanchet. Hart. Curtis. Black. Pretty solid names. Add relative newcomer Ariana Greenblatt – who was the high point to this sloppy mess of a movie. It wasn’t enough.

You actually have to have some semblance of a story. And though I’ve never seen any other movie that Eli Roth directed (Hostel, Thanksgiving), I can only imagine that he took the subject matter – a video game – and literally added the most bare-bones, no frills, economy class story his cat could poop out. And just like that catpoop, Borderland stinks.

Little Rascals

BOREderland…

I think that Borderlands is Roth’s first attempt at a sci-fi action pic. And it shows. Here’s a little free advice to Roth and any up and coming sci-fi director. We’ve seen all the special effects.All of them. There’s nothing new under the sun. So, making a movie that is long on CGI and woefully short on actual story is not going to satisfy anyone. Borderlands plays like the story was written by a 6th grader. And not an honor roll 6th grader, either. I actually nodded off for a few minutes. Not kidding.

Tiny Tina

Every character was as one dimensional as it’s videogame namesake. Greenblatt did a decent job of making Tiny Tina her own. Blanchet was the consumate pro and did all she could with a script as basic as this. Kevin Hart might as well have been replaced with Scoutmaster Kevin. Everything you love about KH was missing here. And Jaimie Lee Curtis’ part…it just made me sad.

Claptrap…

Jack Black’s contribution to Borderlands was pretty much what you expect from him. Goofy and high octane. Claptrap by name, claptrap by nature. His heavily adlib dialog might have been one of the best parts of the script. That’s not a compliment.

Claptrap

Hindsight…

I wish that i had possessed the foresight to look at the director and his IMDB. Nothing even remotely inspiring there. I remember seeing the trailers for Thanksgiving and saying to Mrs Average Dude ‘They’ve really run out of slasher flick ideas, haven’t they? Is this what we’ve come to?’
And they’re making a Thanksgiving 2. <stunned silence>

ya basic…

It looked to me that Eli Roth was hoping to build a kind of Guardians of the Galaxy vibe for Borderlands. Clearly, Roth is no James Gunn. Even with a stellar cast, this movie can’t hold a harbulary battery to our favorite dysfunctional band of misfits.

The word basic comes most redily to mind when sumarizing Borderlands. Is it worthless? No. It has moments. Few of them and most of them from Greenblatt, but still. And caveat: I’ve never played the game. That should not be a pre-req for watching a movie about a video game. I’ve also never played FALLOUT, and we all know how I felt about that series. I’m giving Borderlands a basic score of 1.8 out of 5. Please don’t make a Borderlands 2.

Rake-slap…

It is my lot in life, I suppose, to be simultaneously blessed and cursed with the pie-eyed optimism that enables me to walk face-first into a movie like Borderlands, get a rake-slap to that same face, and then forget about the broken nose and do it again. And again. et al. My foolishness is your gain. I’m always willing to take the rake-slap for you. If it ever gets to be too much, I’ll wind up becoming one of those History Channel olden dudes. I’m not that dude yet, so…rake-slap. May I never be.

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