Megalopolis is less than the sum of its parts

When, oh when, will I ever learn that a star-studded cast doth not maketh a good movie? That’s rhetorical. The answer is probably never. When it comes to movies, I’m an optimist. Clearly, to the exclusion evidence. But I’ll tell you why that is a good thing. A good thing for you. And to a point, a good thing for me. Unfortunately, it’s not a good thing for Mrs Average Dude. Sorry, babe.

Megalopolis stars a parade of names you know and remember fondly. Adam Driver. Giancarlo Esposito. Nathalie Emmanual. Shia LaBouf. John Voight. AubreyPlazaJasonSchwartzmanLawrenceFishburneTaliaShire. And a small part for the man I consider our greatest living actor, Dustin Hoffman*. That’s a quality list, right there.

Megalopolis is EXACTLY why you need The Average Dude

With all that high dollar star power, this movie must be amazing, you say? The Average Dude would agree with that sentiment. Oh, how wrong we were. How very, very wrong. And that is why I should be your first stop prior to hitting the nearest moviehaus, megaplex or home town theater. Because I’m just like you (more or less) and I’m willing to take the hit for you. I’m ever-ready to step in front of the cinematic bullet meant for all of you. No thanks necessary. I’m built for this.

Why couldn’t it be more like Streets of Fire?

Megalopolis markets itself as ‘a fable’. Those two words, six little letters, are the first hint that this isn’t going to be your run of the mill furturistic story. It’s a portent or an omen of what is to come. Brace yourself, those words say. Anything is possible. That was no lie. The optimist in me recalled a ‘Rock n Roll fable’ from back in the 80s (starring a young and fabulous Willem Dafoe). I dared to hope this was a portent of good. Denied.

Our story begins in the land of New Rome, a retrofuturistic** facimile of NYC, that plays as if the fall of ancient Rome never happened. The class system is alive and well in New Rome. You have the ruling class, bent on amassing and keeping power at all costs. You have the elitists, whose whole life is centered around the shallow, vapid pursuit of self…their god is their own belly. There is the common class, living life beneath the elites. Always aspiring to rise as one of them but knowing that will never be.

And then, you have the dreamers. The idealists. The ones who see all the worlds but walk above them. This is the dream of Megalopolis.

Megalopolis has lofty ambitions, I’ll give it that

What follows is 2 hrs 17minutes of unrealistic, often empty dialogue that might have been written by a well-read 8th grader in their first attempt at writing a story. Verbal exchanges that do sound like lines from a children’s book that was written for adults. That sounds weird but nonetheless…

Megalopolis is filled to overflowing with symbolism. It might have been Francis Ford Coppola’s intent. With a resume like his, I tend to think it was. And FFC has been working on this, what I presume is meant to be his magnum opus, for decades. Millions of his own money was invested in this. Clearly, it was important to him.

Oh, and with a dash of wokism. Maybe more than a dash, actually.

There are parallels that are easy to make, like the self-distructive excesses of ancient Rome and today’s elites. Also the power-mongers hellbent on keeping power to the detriment of those they govern, a truism as old as civilization. Coppola puts a sureal face on the obvious. At times, the sureality was entertaining. At other times, shallow and condescending, as if he were elite-splaining these things to the ignorant masses. Maybe that’s just me.

But there were many, many sureal moments that even an overthinker like me can’t brainbone. And they smack of ‘inside joke’. There are a few movies I can remember that just feel like they were made for Hollywood itself. The Grand Budapest Hotel is one. La La Land is another. These all feel like vanity pieces. On one hand, guys like Coppola have kinda earned the right to make a vanity piece, if they want. Then again, it feels dishonest to schlep it out to us and hide it’s true nature. It kind of makes me feel used. Again, it might just be me.

History Repeating itself…in CGI and HD

What good can I say about Megalopolis? Visually, it was excellent. The adaptation of ancient Roman style with 21st century technology is an original and fascinating twist on a still fresh retrofuturistic trend. I loved it and I would totally expect an Oscar consideration for it. Totally deserved. If Megalopolis were to get nominated for or, Olympus forbid, win a more high-profile Oscar, it will further solidify that Hollywood politics decided it should be so. But for sets and costumes? I’m there for it.

So, on the basis of that and that alone, I am giving Megalopolis an anorexic 1.6/5. As for the rest of this movie, it’s nearly unwatchable. At times, it feels like Coppola’s cautionary tale. At times, an unappologetic admittal of their imagined superiority.

And I will freely grant to you that some of the more ‘upper crust’ moviegoers might disagree with me. I’m fine with that. I don’t pretend to be one of those folks that has the time or desire to hyper-analyze every movie and give it a gladiatorial thumbs up or down. I’m like you…an Average Dude. We don’t have time or inclination for that level of pretention. I’ll just give you an average dude’s opinion. Sorry, not sorry.

Oh, and a great big Thank You/Love You to Mrs Average Dude for always accompanying me. She’s the best!

*Tootsie. Rainman. Hook. Fight me.

**Remember that word? I first brought it up in my Fallout review. Now you CAN use it in casual conversation! Do it! It’s fun!

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