ADMR – Napoleon is a ridiculous movie with some really cool battle scenes – 1.5/5

The Average Dude’s best friend is a short, barrel-chested, mostly house-trained bruiser. Married life has tamed him somewhat. But at his heart, he’s still a brawler. He is also a huge history nerd. He loves the stuff and I would trust his knowledge of it over anyone I know. Go figure. He texted me about maybe doing a dude’s night of buffalo wings and Napoleon but schedule conflicts negated that. I am here to tell you that watching him watch this movie in the theater, trying not to come out of his seat and lead a bayonet charge of the screen would have been just as entertaining. Probably more so.

The first thing I said to Mrs Average Dude when she asked my thoughts on it was ‘this was a ridiculous movie’. To gather the receipts for that statement, I did some Googling for historical accuracy. My statement stands. So. Many. Receipts. In fact, pretty much the only historical truth in Ridley Scott’s Napoleon ‘biopic’ are the names and dates of the battles. Other than that….ehhhh….

At first, I felt kind of bad for the guy. Not so much now (more on that later). Ridley Scott has some amazing movies in his biopic bivouac. Some, like Gladiator, are beyond phenomenal. Others, like Exodus, have us wondering if he actually read the source material. And I guess it’s not like we didn’t have fair warning. Scott flashes his artistic ‘license to thrill’ with all of his many (I counted an even dozen) movies that are ‘based on actual events’. More miss than hit in the biopic category. It’s just that the hits are true knockouts. The weight of those incredible wins keeps us hopeful, keeps us coming back.

The relationship between Napoleon and Josephine has fascinated historians, sociopsychologists and romantic novelists for two hundred years. Ridley Scott’s uses the cliché debauchery of the French (which itself is historically dubious) to depict pretty much all of French Royalist society is one note, so the true uniqueness of the frothy relationship between Napoleon and Josephine becomes unremarkable. Worse, they all seemed superficial, like eating the frosting off the cake. Even worse than worse, Napoleon in his private life is portrayed as weak and weepy rather than merely a hopeless romantic. The conqueror becomes the conquered.

Joaquin Phoenix’s performance as Napoleon was, I’m sure, meant to be stoic, evoking a sense of power and destiny. When viewed alongside the shallow (and brief) depictions of pretty much every other character, it lacked impact. There was nothing to balance his stoicism, so the performance was robbed of any oomph it might have had.  Now, if you want to see Napoleon romantic stoicism done right…

The term ‘biopic’ suggests to viewers that what they are about to see is an honest portrayal of historical events and people. Ridley Scott has unapologetically taken the frame of such resources and breathed his own imagination into them. I actually have no problem with that. It’s his long suit, it’s where he makes his living. The problem is that people are not taught much actual history anymore. Napoleon will fool a lot of people into believing that this ‘biopic’ is an honest recreation of history. And that, my friends, just ain’t so.

So, because the Average Dude loves truth as much as he loves fiction, here are but a few of the artistic liberties from Napoleon that I spotted, even without being a history nerd…

The frozen lake battle: Even before I Googled it, I knew the trap set for the Austrian/Russian troops was BS. Very cool BS, but BS nonetheless. I leaned over to Mrs Average Dude and whispered ‘You’d think that they would know their own landscape better than the invading army!’ Google verified my uneducated observation.

Napoleon did not lead any cavalry charge. History remembers him as notoriously bad on horseback. And, as a strategist and leader, he would have been less like William Wallace and more like Cornwallis, prefering to remain at the rear in relative safety.

Portraying Napoleon as an everyman who ‘Came from nothing and conquered everything’ was hyperbolic at best. He was actually the son of Italian (Corsica) nobility. While he wasn’t of the highest noble family, he still had more privilege and opportunity than most. And as to conquering everything, I think the Brits and Ruskies might have something to say about that. You know, since they are still speaking English and Russian and all.

Napoleon’s mother arranged a test to see if he could have children. No evidence exists of this. To the contrary, Napoleon fathered several children out of wedlock so he clearly wasn’t firing blanks.

Napoleon’s march on Paris, where he was met by a French battalion, went something like this:

‘Join me.’

‘Okay.’ I’m sure it happend just like that (eye roll).

Google reveals inaccuracy after inaccuracy but you already get the point. This movie is not to be taken literally.

We all get that it’s a movie, and so are inclined to be forgiving of Ridley Scott’s bombastic interpretation of one of history’s greatest conquerors. What I found a bit more telling was Scott’s response to critics who pointed out the reality from the fiction. Instead of owning it, he unapologetically told them to ‘get a life’. Wow. In three small words Scott managed to be dismissive, condenscending and apparently felt entitled to rewrite history without a single acknowledgement of the actual truth. So much to unpack there.

Was there anything to like about this movie? For sure. The battle scenes were viscerally cool. Watching a cannonball blow out the chest of Napoleon’s horse as he rode into battle got an audible ‘whoah!’ out of me. The frozen lake scene was still pretty cool and I wish it had not been in the trailers. Honestly, that’s about it.

So, I regret to inform you that I can only give Napoleon a 1.5 out of 5. But fear ye not! I may be doing a twofer again this week. I’ve really been looking forward to both The Shift and Godzilla Minus One. The Average Dude’s bestie also loves a good monster flick. Maybe we’ll give Bdubs and a show another shot.

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